Wash away sandcastles
& give yourself grace
Summer vacation is over. I am not mourning. I’ve been wearing colorful clothes; the weather is warm & humid. It almost feels as if summer (weather-wise) has only begun.
I’ve been writing this past month and had complete entries ready for the newsletter, but I did not send them out because I felt my ideas crumbled too fast. The older I get (not that I am all that old, but even so), the more truths I watch dissolve, replaced by something new I’ve learned.
At 18, it feels like most of the absolute values in my head are getting renovated. At this stage, it is difficult to write what I think — it changes too often.
I watch the tide rise, wash away the sandcastle I’ve built, and retreat into the ocean. It’s a good feeling as the sand swirls between my toes, the water cooling my body off after a long day of work. I will build new sandcastles, but for now, there are other things to do.
“I thought summer vacation would never end (never end)
That feeling of sinking toes in the sand
They said to enjoy it while you can.”
— now i know by Sarah Kang
Some writing feels heavy, and not necessarily because I wrote it meaning for it to be disingenuous. Everything changes so quickly that one day, something is true; the next, I would like to disagree with myself. I can’t say one thing and do another. Or maybe I can.
I always liked paradoxes. They tempt you to think unconventionally, find fresh ideas, and turn your world upside down. “The only constant is change,” and there you go, you have one of the key frameworks to living a happier life.
“Though it took to see my own home from an airplane
To realize it’s all that I want
And I had to leave home to see what was out there
Always had a foot out the door
And although overseas, I can still feel the fire.”
— I Left My Heart by Lucy Blue
I feel we’ve been treating paradoxes as a bad thing. If something is self-contradictory, we are immediately suspicious because it isn’t backed up by facts or a straightforward explanation. Paradoxes can be challenging to wrap your head around because we like to think things are black & white, good or bad.
This “all or nothing” mindset keeps us procrastinating, making weirdly irrational decisions and gets us off track when we stop a habit for a day (I’m looking at my inconsistent Duolingo streak 👀).
“So, pack up your car, put a hand on your heart
Say whatever you feel, be wherever you are
We ain’t angry at you, love
You’re the greatest thing we’ve lost
The birds will still sing, your folks will still fight
The boards will still creak, the leaves will still die.”
— You’re Gonna Go Far by Noah Kahan
But nothing is “all or nothing.” If you move halfway across the globe, you aren’t entirely leaving behind your life back home, and you aren’t fully living in a new place (a part of your heart belonging elsewhere). There isn’t a magical divide in your reality, the plane you hopped on cutting the sky in half. You’re still the same person walking down an unfamiliar street as you were the day you drove to the airport in your home country.
I’m trying to say: “give yourself grace in times of change.” The fact that things are changing does not mean that everything is changing. Make space for constants to watch the effect new variables have on you.
“You can see the world, following the seasons
Anywhere you go, you don’t need a reason.”
— Matilda by Harry Styles
“And finally live out your dream
Of a downtown coffee brewery or a cafe bookstore bakery
I’ll call you from my hometown everyday
Ask you to not forget me if you find a replacement.”
— Bedroom Floor by Sydney Rose
I’m back; the newsletter will soon celebrate its first birthday!
Signing off,
Zuza